I couldn’t have imagined writing a letter to you my dear Anxiety or calling you dear (LOL). Yet, here we are. I haven’t written anything in quite a while. Out of nowhere, this urge to write came onto me and I recalled a letter I wrote a couple of years ago to Love. After all these years, I’ll probably give that letter another shot someday, but right now, I thought of you.
I don’t know how I feel about you being such a prominent part of my life. I get sad knowing You, me and Panic are roommates for the rest of my life. It might sound weird, but I also feel comfort in knowing that I can count on you to always be there in my lowest moments.
It seems pretty recent (Although it’s been 3 years) that I got to know that the terrible sensations my body experiences, the turmoil my head goes through, it’s called Anxiety.
I have tried pinning down the moment I first experienced you. I couldn’t. The thing is, childhood memories are pretty blurry and I don’t think I can differentiate between fear and You among those memories. If I am correct, you both are a package deal!
I hated you for so long because I couldn’t understand you or control you. You scare me. I feel powerless when you are around. I don’t know how to function. I don’t know how long you plan on staying. And finally, when you are gone for the day, I am scared because I know you’ll show up the next morning!
Since the last couple of weeks, when I have finally cut off an unhealthy person from my life, you have been gone. Then you scared me again when you showed up the other day out of nowhere.
I have somewhat learnt to deal with you. I have learnt to acknowledge you, accept you and give you my attention. I am learning to be patient with you. It’s been helping me.
Does it sound weird if I said that I hate even considering you as evil? I hate when someone refers to you as evil. I hate when someone makes fun of me for having you in my life.
You should know that I don’t hate you and I know I don’t exactly love you either (It’s a work in progress), but I feel protective of you. I do hate when you get too much for me to handle and my body gives up on me. My sense of me goes away!
Truth is, you are a permanent part of me now. I am terrified of you yet you have become so familiar that I get surprised when you are gone.
I might sound stupid but I believe you appear to protect me. I haven’t deciphered it yet but that’s what I believe.
I know that certain types of thoughts trigger you. Well, maybe not always! Because there are times, I don’t know where the fuck you come from. I just know that you are there.
Part of me wants to go ahead and delete everything I have written. I’m thinking, what the hell someone would think about me after reading this? Everyone would want to run far away from me (Well except my friends! They accept me for who I am, quirks and all). What’s giving me the courage to publish this letter online, is the hope.
Hope that someone will find it relatable, someone will find it helpful knowing that they aren’t alone in experiencing your power. Hope that maybe, just maybe, somehow someone gets a new perspective looking at you.
You aren’t an emotion. You are a state of being that brings a tornado of emotions. You are also a reliable guide to whether someone belongs in my life or not.
I never felt or thought this before this very moment - Anxiety, I am grateful that you are part of me. I promise to be better at understanding and loving you.
Your host for life,
Vipassana Mahale