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This is a raw and unfiltered look into my mind during a time of deep struggle. I’m sharing it not for sympathy, but because I believe in the power of vulnerability and the possibility of finding light in the darkest moments.  

Jotting down the chaos in my head in a diary usually helps. Today, I am so mentally exhausted that taking a pen and paper in my hand feels like too much. That’s why the digital writing.  

I have been chasing to find that one ultimate solution that will fix this chaos, this anxiety, this feeling of running far away from everything. If you ask me what I want at this very moment, my answer is simple: I want an escape.  

Escape from everything that’s causing me to be in such a low state.  

Maybe that’s where I am wrong. I should desperately want a fix.  

This is so sad to realize—that you have reached a point where your strong belief is that there isn’t going to be a fix for you. By some miracle, even if there is a fix (I’m talking about the root cause elimination, not the surface-level meds solution), I doubt myself to be capable enough of making it happen for me in this lifetime.  

It’s weird. There are days when I believe I am meant to solve this problem for myself and for others who are suffering like me.  

I titled this post “A Barely Holding Thread” because that’s how I feel. One little thing at the moment is enough to shatter me.  

What’s more shocking is that all of this is happening when I should have been the happiest person on this planet.  

Turns out, no matter how much I thought I didn’t get affected by others, I do. The mere thought of someone being extremely negative toward me because of their own insecurity, the mere incident holding the power to undo my plans for a special occasion, the mere thought of being disposable at the workplace (and of course, because this is my life, everything has to happen at the same time)—all of it can push me into the darkest place my mind is capable of creating.  

I am asking myself, why do I want to put all this out there publicly? I can keep it right here on Google Drive. I certainly do not seek any sympathy or attention. I do not believe anyone else can help me out. This is my mess to figure out. Then why?  

Right now, the reasoning I have is because when I think about putting my post out there, online, it feels like screaming. And I want to badly scream and cry. As loudly as I can. Like someone I love deeply is dead. It feels like death inside my body right now.  

I have cried a lot. For what reasons? I wish I knew. All I feel is loss. Loss of the love I held for myself. I can’t seem to find me. And I wish I would have felt like I am just lost. But it feels more like a death than a loss.  

I have all the abilities to function. This universe has blessed me with a decent brain and a functioning body. Yet, I fail to function properly. Forget about reaching my full potential—I am failing at the basic things, like getting up from one place. It feels like a hell of a lot more effort than it is supposed to. My head and body are in pain and feel so heavy, like I am being crushed against something damn heavy and painful.  

But there is this one thread that’s holding me right now - “I don’t know when or how, but I always get through these phases”.  

Yeah, this isn’t the first time I have gone through this. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I am so damn disappointed in myself. Shouldn’t I have figured things out by now?  

I am so angry at myself for not being able to do the simplest and smallest things. I know what I should be doing, but I don’t.  

What’s worse is that there is this strong pull within myself that’s putting me down. That I can feel is holding me back. None of this is due to external reasons. They might be the triggers, but it’s me. I am here right now because of me, and I know that I have the potential to get myself out of this.  

Another reason to post this online is because there is this shred of hope that I am documenting my journey. Along the way, I will start writing about what I am doing that gets me out of this.  

I believe that we humans are energies. We radiate. I do not want to radiate this energy into the world. If anything, I want to leave this world as a better place than where I was born into. There are already many things downgrading humanity. I don’t want to contribute to that.  

So, universe, during this dark time, I want to express my gratitude toward you for the thread that’s holding me right now. This singular thing is powerful enough to shine through this cloud of darkness.  

I don’t know how or when, but I trust that this thread will lead me out of the darkness. And when it does, I’ll be ready to share that journey too.